I had clicked the ‘submit’ button after struggling for more than an hour. And there’s still this final step making me doubtful once more if I should take on this path. It keeps haunting me and all the cons are what I can think of.
From the thing you keep on emphasizing on and what people talk about recently, I know that this decision won’t be supported at all and everyone’s going to say ‘What the hell are you doing actually?’. Two weeks…. Two weeks are all it needs to make me this doubtful, to make me feel so damn guilty for doing it, to make me feel that I’d better not doing it at all.
Just for once, I hope for your support. Just for once, I am begging to you. Just for once, I am asking for your understanding. Just for once… please…
This is the second time I really hope for your understanding, and I did not say anything last time, making you mad and I believe you’d still remember that fault of mine till now. And somehow I see that if I were to proceed with this, you’re gonna be mad and blame me for don’t know what again.
I don’t want to live most of my lifetime the way I used to work. I don’t want to live my life working just for the sake of working and survive. I cannot promise you that I’m not going to complain during the course life after I change or during my working time, but at least I may like it much more than what I’m doing now.
I can’t promise you that I’m gonna excel in my study as you want me to be because I’ve given it up long ago. I can’t promise you that I’m going to get the best paid job because it’s not what I really look for in jobs searching. I can’t promise you that things will be better after the change, but I can promise you that I won’t feel so much regret for at least trying given your support.
Please… Please… Don’t let me in this so much despair. Don’t let me being haunted so much. Don’t let me regret for cancelling it. Please… Please…
Half of my holiday back home has passed, and around half of it was spent out of town. I can’t really say that was a holiday, and it really indeed for a purpose since the timing’s kinda too early for my mom to start shopping for her business (that’s why I don’t want to stay too long, and that’s why I took time to decide).
Most of the time is to settle some stuff, and believe it or not, I’m still giving hope to them. I haven’t been communicating much with them, but I do remember things that is complete opposite from what people experience. It might just an acting like what everyone says, but I want to believe it. Does this make a moron then, being the only one believing in so-called blur memory rather than reality that everyone experiences and sees?
This teaches me something, well remind me of something, please tell me, yell at me, scold me, and do whatever you want to me if I were to make a mistake or do something stupid or trying to do what non-sense stuff. I know I’m a stubborn kid and mostly I will not care at all of what people say, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t hear it at all.
I can’t accept the truth. I can’t get on with the reality. Please… Please… Please don’t ever let go of this hand. Please open these eyes. Please open this heart one more time.
I want a home like this… Small yet enough, quiet environment with best scenery. >.<
(Source: hyperform)
This is gonna be the last night I do my task as a sub-comm, and while waiting for the meeting time, here I am Google-ing ‘how to cope with jet lag’.
One of the most natural way of coping it is adjust your own body clock a few days before your flight. So then I count everything. I’m gonna deal with firstly, 5 hours earlier difference before 6 hours earlier. Well… I guess if I am able to adjust to the 5 hours earlier, it wouldn’t be much matter for the other one.
5 hours from Singapore = 4 hours from my hometown. One of the way to handle it is to sleep really ‘early’ for let’s say 3 to 4 days before the flight. But how am I supposed to stay awake for that last few days. My mom’s gonna kill me if I were to sleep like a log till so late.
Guess, I’m gonna sacrifice my sleeping duration for that few days and sleep like a log during the flight. *pray hard for not encountering jet lag* Though it’s still kinda far away, I’m kinda look forward to it now after I read some books this afternoon. >.<
I should try to put this thought of mine aside for ~3 weeks and concentrate with the exams. 3 more weeks and I’m gonna struggle for the last night before looong holiday. >.<
Wish me luck with my exams, I’ve screwed up a lot this sem and this is the last chance for me to bring back things to its path. T.T
People are getting more and more materialistic nowadays. The kind of thought like “Other people have it, so I SHOULD have it as well.”
WTH!! Rather than making yourself look rich with property, why can’t you just save your money or do good deed with it? And rather than making yourself full of property, why can’t you think further whether you need that stuff because you NEED it rather than because you want to LOOK GOOD at it.
WTH!! Your money and property means nothing to me!! And stop being such a sissy or lazy bump!! You can open whatever site you want, but you can’t open it yourself after I sent it to you directly? WTH!! Stop give me stupid non-sense reason. I got stuff I need to do rather than open and click here and there and check some stuff YOU CAN DO BY YOURSELF!!!
At least I know you ain’t that stupid for not knowing how to use Google.
This programming is making me mad… So mad that I think I’m getting stress sooner or later. All the crazy thoughts are back, the mad-man personality is having control.
I am blaming myself for being too relax these few weeks, I am blaming myself for letting me drive through this kind of life. I am blaming myself dragging things to last minute.
I am getting madder and madder. The thoughts are getting crazier and crazier. I am falling deeper and deeper to the abyss. I need to calm down. I need to get myself back. I need to put all my belief back.
I need to go and ask to clear any doubts of mine. I need to change it. Even if there is no 100% surety that I’m gonna like it, at least I give it a try. Even if you’ll be disappointed and mad at me, I’ll give it for my only chance left. I’ve been letting it go for too long, and I don’t want to live this kind of life.
I can’t really say that I hate/don’t like living here. I like the environment here. As in the peace and the surroundings and of course this not includes the construction, the midnight shouting of other residences, the lizards, the birds, the sound of grass mowing.
At least, in this place, I have a space of my own (back)? I’m not sure what, but I like it here except it’s kind of secluded in a nowhere place. I’ve spent lots of time alone here, but don’t why I just feel the long-lost peaceful feeling now (except the construction and the birds which don’t since when made that place its hang out place).
Has it always been this feeling that makes me so lazy to go out at times? Or is it just me not liking being in a crowd? Whichever the answer is, all I know is that I am a person who needs a huge space of my own, a place where I can be who I am.
Sometimes I’m just wishing that things will happen, things that makes me forget about everything like let’s say amnesia. Just wish that someday, you’ll wake up and start anew. And maybe, and I hope mostly, I’ll be able to see who actually really cares and who is just a pillar decoration.
I am a perfectionist person, and I kinda hate it. I need to learn to be more lenient, more relax, more enjoying my life. Try to not expecting too much on myself and others, try to expand the circle more, try to be more diligent (since the level of laziness keeps dropping since I start uni life), and more and more. Particularly, try to see things in a more positive way rather than doubting here and there. XD
Let’s see where this can take me then. Don’t think I can help much of it. :(
Early in the morning and my mind’s been stuck in this heavy and complicated stuff. Resulting in me unable to continue my sleep, deciding just to wake up and indulge myself in the depth of sorrow.
I have always been so keen with knowing the truth. And even if I were to be ignorant, I may have been looking at you unconsciously all this time. Deep within me, I would have known what is right and wrong, but this naive thought of perfect world of mine engulf me and cause me to swift aside any other thought.
I’m still holding on with what I believe in since my childhood. I don’t have any logical explanation to why I still do so. Maybe because children’s thought are so pure and sometimes it just shows an untold truth many of us can’t see through.
I wish I can go back to the time I still believe in you, but the thought of that moment in life always left me shivering in fear. I don’t want to remember any of those. And so all I can do now is to gather information as much as I can, and bit by bit trying to remember back.
The world is turning to be more and more ignorant. People growing to be more selfish and egoist. All that matter is their own self. I somehow am turning to be one of those again sooner or later. I need to hold back and control myself, but it ends up in me being in the state of turmoil. I need to find a place where I can stand still.
So summer, please show me hints and enlightenment. And maybe, I can start by make use of the ‘gift’ from my supervisor back at home. Yeah… It’s better than leaving it unused.
